A series of bulletins…

Good evening, and if you would remember a couple of weeks ago I promised you a review of my first car, so here indeed it goes. I present to you, my 1.2 Fiat Punto.

The car itself is in pretty good condition, was kept very clean by the previous owner and is a maroon/crimson sort of colour. In terms of the drive it’s actually quite good, for one it can go over 60mph which is always a start when it comes to dual-carraigeways and such like. I wouldn’t want the car to feel like it’s constantly towing some sort of trailer on the back. In terms of the steering it’s swings and roundabouts, at cruising speed there’s a fair bit of what I like to call “wiggle” in the steering i.e. you can move it about a couple of inches either way of the centre and it won’t actually steer the car. However at low speeds it decides to sink itself in some sort of treacle as it becomes very stiff and takes a fair amount of effort to move, which isn’t at all helpful when reversing out of a parking space at rush hour in the middle of a petrol station…not at all speaking from experience there.

The clutch doesn’t neccessarily have a biting point, I’d say more of a biting curve, you normally can tell if you’re lifting it too much when the car decides to lurch back like a wayward horse not too pleased at it’s owner. Hey what do you know my car actually communicated with me! Now I understand all that race driver speak about the ‘feel’ of the car(!)

I’m sure it’s a car that will grow on me, I don’t hate it but I didn’t count on there being a few surprises. It’s like the ‘purple one’ in a Quality Street, I delight in the caramel only to find a nut sneakily snuck inside, not a pleasant surprise I can tell you that.

 

Anyway that’s a basic review done, I may inform you of more of my motoring exploits in due course, well that’s if anything interesting happens that doesn’t involve me crashing or causing someone else to crash. Now for those of you paying attention to F1 winter testing I have a bone to pick, and it’s with the people who designed the aerodynamic specifications for the 2009 cars. Here’s an example of my problem, now be prepared for a very ugly sight:

Oh dear...

Yes this is the 2009 specification aerodynamics as designed by BMW, now I’m sure you can at least agree that I haven’t seen F1 cars this ugly for a long, long time. I mean I’ve seen countless printed estimations of what magazines predict the cars will look like but I’d no idea it’d end up like this! The rear wing looks stupid and it’s design will only increase the ‘ram effect’ which has plagued F1’s overtaking spectacle for some time, the CFD design of two seperate wings worked much better. Also the car as a whole just looks like something out of a bargin-bin single seater racing game that some half-arsed game designer threw together in a bizarre effort to make something looking vaguely like an F1 car. Oh and for those reading who want to challenge me to draw something better? Bring it on, because I’m in a drawing mood and would love the challenge, in fact aerodynamics is what I want to do as a career!

Now in case you thought “well that’s not so bad”, here’s Honda’s effort:

Vacuuuuum

If you don’t understand the caption just look at the gap in between the rises in the front wing top plane, huuuuuuuuge gap just inviting air to go in, it makes me wonder what just is in that gap, some secret tool Ross Brawn designed Jenson Button to unleash upon his rivals to gain the advantage! But I digress, it looks plain, flat, boring and many other things. None of them aesthetically pleasing nor that helpful. I mean the turbulent air forced from the front wing goes directly onto the front wheels which are a nightmare for aerodynamicsts to control the various vortecies (sp?) spiralling onto the main bodywork. But who knows with the removal of appendages it won’t matter.

So anyway that’s my article for this week. See you next time.

Football and motorsport, ho yes.

Relatively short post from me this week, partly because I’ve not much to cover and a little tired much?

But anyway to explain the title, a while ago a form of motor-racing titled “Superleague Formula” was founded, and in a way it could be seen as a competitor to the whole A1GP/GP2 Asia market, like those two formulae they run identical cars but instead of each country being represented by a car a football team enters the championship and represents itself on a car. So like for example in A1GP you can get A1 Team GB, whereas in Superleague Formula you get teams like SF Racing Tottenham Hotspur.

It’s a 6 race championship, the finale coming up soon unfortunately so you’ve missed most of the season, and you get 50 points for winning with a bizarre points system with no regular intervals running down to last place so everyone gets something. Like with any new racing series its Panoz chassis featuring a 4.2litre 750bhp V12 experienced a few teething troubles at its first race such as some teams being unable to make the grid as their cars won’t start and such like, but thankfully it has been recieved with apprasial and is set to increase to a 9-race calendar for next year, with maybe even more teams in the line-up.

Apologies if the picture doesn’t show up you can have a rant to your internet browser for all I care if you get tetchy about it.

I’m now opening this up to however many readers (apart from authors) we still have here by saying if there is currently anything you want explained in the world of motorsport/cars or just want an opinion feel free to comment my posts. Feedback is well appreciated.

So farewell, I hope to bring more stuff to talk about next time.

Formula 1 Grande Premio Do Brasil 2008

Greetings on this Wednesday evening and I will make good on my promis of a bumper edition so to speak this week.

However there is one drawback, I have been unable to acquire the car I was after as it was too expensive for me to afford to run. Don’t believe me? Try £1095 for the car and an insurance quote of £1985, and that’s including pass plus discount. So the 1.2 Fiat Punto I was after will not be on my shortlist for cars, especially as the rear tyres looked just barely legal in terms of tread, so I’ll be resorting to a 1.0 or a 1.1 instead.

Now onto the review, and a quick note before I start is that the last few laps of that race were (for me) some of the most emotional F1 laps I’ve experienced for some time. Alas I digress, so let’s begin:

Vodaphone Mclaren Mercedes:

All Hamilton must have wanted for this race was a clean, easy run to his starting position on the grid of 4th, but the rain that has characteristically thrown any predictions of results out of the window for the race throughout the season fell, perhaps he may have smiled to himself a little. After all is it not the Mclaren who can hold its temperature in its tyres better in cold conditions? However it would not be an easy race for him even from when he first arrived at Brazil, Mclaren choosing to run a lower downforce configuration than their rivals in the hope of gaining speed in the straights costed them when it came to the race as low downforce in wet conditions isn’t always a good thing. Kovalainen however brought the best gains from the speed in practice and qualifying to set the fastest speeds in the speed traps, it got him up to 5th alongside Hamilton but unfortunately he couldn’t convert qualifying pace into race pace. Hamilton’s race went relatively smoothly for the most part, a daring overtake on Jarno Trulli into the Senna S helped his cause in the opening stages of the race. Then of course the rain came again after the final stops and this left Hamilton with a championship-deciding dilemma, pit and hope the wet tyres bring you the pace to leapfrog the opposition or stay out and hope you don’t get overtaken in the last few laps? Hamilton, like his nearest competitor Vettel chose to pit and switch tyres, needed to stay in front of Vettel at all costs if he was to win the championship. But as we all saw into Juncao 2 laps from the end his graining wet tyres let him down and dropped him to 6th, Britain’s hearts sank at yet another championship slipping away only to have them rise like a phoenix out of the ashes when Timo Glock struggling on dry tyres as the rain fell heavier still had place after place taken from him on the last corner of the last lap. Hamilton was now on course for 5th, the championship his and his delight was open for all to see. Kovalainen managed to end his season with 7th.

Scuderia Ferrari Malboro:

Everybody new that it would take a lot to happen for Massa not to win in Brazil, and sure enough a lights-to-flag pole position win was granted to him. He did his job and could only rely on Hamilton’s misfortune to gift him the championship, never a good position to be in at the last round of a championship but it was where he was stuck nonetheless and after all the events reported above he could only bite back the tears and remain composed on the podium while pandemonium ensued below. Raikonnen was left to “assist” Massa if neccessary but in fact could do no better than 3rd, obviously torn between his “Massa has to win his own championship” mentality and his contract probably not doing his career any good. Upon the news that the driver’s championship had been lost the Ferrari lads were left to provide one of the funniest sights I’ve seen on an F1 podium by standing next to Fernando Alonso (who pledged himself an ally to Ferrari) as the three least amused drivers in the entire paddock all trying to look pleased for eachother and celebrate their achievements. Well it was funny for me at least.

BMW-Sauber F1 Team:

Not a spectacular end to the season, Heidfeld unusually the better qualifier of the team rather than Kubica this time around starting from 8th with Kubica in 13th. The general set-up of the BMW chassis just wasn’t suited to the Brazil layout and left the cars finishing 10th and 11th a lap down from the leaders. BMW was early off the mark with KERS testing for 2009 but they haven’t made much progress since the shock incident so as to whether Dr Theissen can bring BMW total glory next year remains to be seen, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

ING Renault F1 Team:

Senor Alonso produces yet another excellent drive from his Renault to finish second from 6th on the grid, his choice to stop for wet tyres with Raikonnen proved to be an inspired decision, Massa following suit a lap later obviously showing that Alonso with his championship-winning driving style knows what calls to make and when to make them. This combined with general outright faith and speed in the car helped him to his podium spot, not that he looked too chuffed about it on the podium itself but there we go. As for Piquet his race barely lasted past the Senna S as either contact with another car/yet another slip-up on a wet track left him rear-ending the barrier on the exit of Turn 2 and out. He must have done something right over the course of this season as he is confirmed with Alonso to remain at Renault for 2009, let’s see if the team can hold up their end of the bargain for Senor Alonso.

AT&T Williams F1 Team:

Both Williams were unfortunate to be involved in a first corner accident involving Coulthard, Rosberg being the perpretrator i.e. his left-front hitting Coulthard’s right-rear causing him to spin around amongst the field. Nakajima however being unlucky to be collected by the spinning Coulthard and left him with enough damage to render him uncompetitive for the rest of the race. 12th for Rosberg and 17th for Nakajima was the best Williams could achieve.

Red Bull Racing:

In my opinion this isn’t how Coulthard’s F1 career should have ended, but a first corner incident left the Scot out with his custom liveried “Wings For Live” car by the trackside. Despite only qualifying 14th Coulthard may have been in line for some points due to the adverse weather conditions but we shan’t wonder into “what-if” land again. As for Mark Webber he managed to get off the line cleanly from 12th and drove a fairly quiet race except from being overtaken a few times into the Senna S but managed a solid drive to 9th at the end of the race a far 11.2 seconds from the points.

Panasonic Toyota Racing:

Toyota proved to be the surprise of the weekend with Trulli, the qualifying expert he is, launching his car up onto the front row alongside Massa to add an unexpected uncertainty to the outcome of the race. Unfortunately for him he lived up to more than one of his usual characteristics as he ended up falling back behind the battling Kovalainen and Alonso early in the race. Toyota also turned out to be a critical factor in the outcome of the championship as Trulli hampered Hamilton’s progress until the Brit found a way past on a wet line (on dry tyres) into the Senna S, but let’s not forget Mr Glock. From 10th on the grid Glock ended up with the chance to score a good haul of points, gambling on staying on dry tyred for the rest of the race it almost seemed as if it had payed off for him, right until the last corner where the eagle-eyed viewer could see his dry tyres had literally become useless to him in an instant. It rained too much for the tyres to handle and he became easy pickings for Hamilton and Vettel, and as a result finished 6th. Trulli finished 8th.

Scuderia Toro Rosso:

Young Vettel yet again showing the wet-weather prowess that brought him his maiden victory in Monza, for this 2008 season has indeed been that, the season of the first-time winners to show the world why they’re in F1. His talent on the wet-weather tyres even surpassed that of Hamilton in Brazil and landed him a deserved 4th place for his efforts, now to see if he’ll regret leaving the team for Red Bull eh? As for Bourdais he was another of the quiet ones in the race, a drive to 14th was all he could muster. Although his cause wasn’t helped by Trulli’s dubious overtake into the Senna S where their rear tyres happened to touch, payback for China perhaps?

Honda Racing F1 Team:

Button must have made good on his steady right foot for him to elevate himself from a 17th starting position to 13th at the finish, not a outstanding result in itself but considering that the car is less than capable of it at times he did a good job. His only drama a brief excursion with Rosberg in the pitlane at the quick switch to wets at the end of the race as both drivers found themselves side-by-side with eachother until Rosberg conceded the track position upon pit exit. Barrichello’s race wasn’t all that great but finishing where he started, 15th, is a small achievement in itself.

Force India F1 Team:

16th and 18th were the best Force India could achieve, although they proved not to be nearer a nuisance than they were in China but reports of their possible acquisition of Mclaren engines for next year remain unconfirmed. Sutil finishing the race before Fisichella and by no means could he have hoped to recreate the awesome drive he put in to get up to 4th in Monaco, maybe if they do get Mclaren engines they could become the new Toro Rosso so to speak and claim a podium, but now I’m just being silly now aren’t I?

 

Anyway I hope you enjoyed that, I will bring you analysis of the F1 teams 2009 cars as of when they are launched, most likely from January (Toyota and BMW confirmed) and until then I shall find other things to write about here.

See you next week.

Next Wednesday on Daft Maniacs…

This may be rather unorthodox but I am going to hold off my post for this week so that I may bring you a bumper edition next week.

Why I hear you ask? Well it is of 2 reasons, 1) I will have acquired my first car and will write an impromptu road test on it & 2) It’s the week after the Brazilian GP which means I shall write a review on it.

So there you go, much to look forward to next time to compensate for my lack of literary goodness for you today.

Therefore I shall leave you with some motoring pages I have recently found rather interesting, and I hope you will too.

See you next time.

http://www.formula1.com/news/headlines/2008/10/8603.html

http://www.fast-autos.net/vehicles/Lamborghini/2009/Gallardo_LP560-4_Polizia/

http://www.topgear.com/uk/car-news/lamborghini-super-trofeo-race-series

:O No Game Review!

Yeah the title is correct, I’m not reviewing this week. I’m ranting. It’s about games though, so still on topic (I think). Anyway, now this has been happening for at least a few years now and it never annoyed me but the sheer nerve and amount of this is making me want to kill some people. What am I talking about? I am talking about the blame that games are left with in the media now. I shall give an example. Oh and it would be Fox who are this retarded.

See what I mean? They don’t even know what they’re talking about. And there are tonnes of stories like that, where they know nothing about the game and brandish it ‘too violent’ or a ‘bad influence’. If they were informed and had proof that a particular game had influenced someone to do something then fair enough, but this never happens.

Other stories involve kids aging from 11-19 committing murder or going missing or something of the such. Coincidentally the kid will enjoy video games or a particular game and then the media will gather a mob of pitchfork wielding parents to slate the game. In most cases though the game is a 15, 16+ or 18 which they should not be playing, who bought them this game? So if it was responsible, then so are the parents. In other cases its just rubbish and the parents just decide to join the mob and blame a game (hehe it rhymed). Whenever I hear one of these stories I just sigh and think ‘Why?’. Games used to be a thing that was for the nerdy guy, did they murder people all the time or go suddenly missing? Who blamed games then if it did. But now that gaming is so mainstream its ‘Oh no! Games are monsters! Think of the children!’ THINK OF THE CHILDREN? Parent them right and they won’t even be bloody effected by the game, simple as. Blame yourself before the game, I would if I was in their shoes.

2008 Formula 1 Sinopec Chinese Grand Prix

Before I start this review I feel compelled to comment on some articles I have read which inform me of several drivers voicing their opinions about Mr Hamilton’s driving style, now to say that you think another driver is driving too ‘erratically’ either suggests (to me at least) that they aren’t driving to their full potential or that they’re afraid to break a flap on some part of their car which could remove aerodynamic performance from the car. Kind of like Johnny Wilkinson being afraid to play rugby in case he breaks something, which he seemingly does so often he’s left with hardly any time to get into a game.

It’s hard enough having the FIA moulding the championship against Mclaren that they then have to contend with the other drivers saying that they don’t want Hamilton to win the championship because he “doesn’t deserve to”. Well if he didn’t deserve it would he be 5 points ahead in the championship, 36 points ahead of a certain Senor Alonso and 63 points ahead of a certain Mr Webber. Both of them the main voices in the anti-hamilton-i-wish-i-was-winning camp.

Nonetheless that is my mini-ramble over as I shall now comence my (attempt at a) review of the Chinese GP.

Vodaphone Mclaren Mercedes:

Hamilton performing a superb lights to flag drive, gaining an uncharacteristically good start for a Mclaren against the Ferrari of Raikonnen alongside him. Did what he had to do and now goes into Brazil with a 7 point gap to Massa. As for Kovalainen he was never in a position to help Hamilton win the championship in China, although that in itself was never really likely to happen, and had to retire 8 laps from the end due to overheating brakes which were seen to be smoking on the grid before the race had even started. Mclaren 11 points behind in the constructors championship so that seems to be heading Ferrari’s way once more.

Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro:

Struggling with graining problems on their soft tyres neither driver was able to be on terms with Hamilton on the first stint and thus allowed him to pull around a 6-7second lead by the first stops. Raikonnen was similarly fuelled to Hamilton from then on and decided to bring home the points than risk blowing an engine or over-driving onto the ‘marbles’ and ending his race in the wall. Mass for the larger part of the race stayed behind Raikonnen until he ‘passed’ him on the back straight a few laps from the end, reducing a probably 9 point deficit to 7 against Hamilton. Raikonnen 3rd, Massa 2nd.

BMW-Sauber F1 Team:

Not a particularly stunning race from BMW-Sauber, Kubica was off the pace in qualifying and started 12th for the race which was no particular help especially as his vague hopes of winning the championship relied on him finishing ahead of Hamilton in the first place. Heidfeld eventually finished in 5th one place ahead of his team-mate in 6th providing a fair haul of points for the team. Now that BMW have nothing to lose perhaps we may see them going hell for leather for the Brazilian GP but of course we’ll have to wait and see for that.

ING Renault F1 Team:

With this newfound pace Renault could look to keep Alonso in their lead driver seat for 2009, especially with a double win to his name, and all it took was a new front wing. That in itself isn’t the sole cause of their form, the new wing seems to suit Alonso’s driving style better allowing him to feel more confident in pushing the car, and 4th place in China is further testimony that if a driver feels good in a car he can push it to results not normally achieved. Evidently the new speed in Renault’s car has affected Piquet aswell, his drive to 8th adding another good result to his 4th place in Japan, he may be hoping his high placed results can prevent him from being dropped in favour of say Lucas di Grassi or other Renault test drivers. With such high scores in the previous three races Renault has all but secured the race for 4th place in the constructors championship.

AT&T Williams F1 Team:

There is something about China that doesn’t quote suit Williams, whether it’s because it exposes the inferior straight-line speed of the car or something else remains to be seen. Nakajima providing the best finish out of the two drivers in 12th, whereas Rosberg could only muster 15th. The team may become one of the many relying on the rule changes in 2009 to bring them a chance of success, Rosberg may be the driver to bring it to them, but only with the right equipment.

Red Bull Racing:

Unfortunately this race brought no points for the team, Coulthard making fair progress from his original 15th grid slot to end up 10th. No doubt a relief for him to be able to finish his penultimate race, a good points haul in Brazil will be a fitting end to his career in which he first raced in 1994 for Williams. Mark Webber didn’t have such a great race, his weekend off to a bad start due to his engine expiring in Saturday practise. A 10 place grid penalty his reward for already using his get-out-of-jail-free-here-is-an-engine card in a previous race, his light fuel load not paying dividends after being stuck in traffic nearly all race for the first stint. 14th and being the last runner on the lead lap his eventual finish.

Panasonic Toyota Racing:

Jarno Trulli understandably peeved at a certain Sebastian Bourdais for a fairly opportunistic overtaking move into the first corner and resulting in a fair amount of damage to his right-hand sidepod which unfortunately proved terminal for him. This left Timo Glock to bring in the points and that he did with 7th, despite Trulli bring the better qualifying driver it could be argued that Timo has been the better racer this season. With the battle for 4th place in the constructors championship decided all the drivers have to race for now is pride.

Scuderia Toro Rosso:

After qualifying 8th you wouldn’t have been irrational to think it would be a great opportunity for Bourdais to clinch some deserved points in China, especially after questionably being given a 25 second penalty for being crashed into by Massa last week in Fuji, but ambition seemingly exceeded talent as he collided with Trulli sending them to the back of the grid at the first corner. Bourdais was rather fortunate not only to escape serious damage, but not to have been given a penalty for trying to overtake someone as the stewards have been trying to avoid be it intentional or not. Vettel on the other hand extracting reasonable pace from his car and only finishing a mere 7.7 seconds from the points in 9th.

Honda Racing F1 Team:

11th was the best Honda could do at China, Barrichello fulfilling his evermore regular slot in the midfield pack. Button though could only have hoped for rain like in last year’s race, where he showed the world that even in a dog of a car his wet-weather prowess can dominate. That is until he raced in Silverstone this year where unusually he was off the pace in what can be argued as a marginally more competitive car than the RA107, emphasis on the ‘marginally’. Button finished 16th and a lap down on the leaders.

Force India F1 Team:

Once again propping up the rear of the grid the Force India’s were in no state to be considered competitive in China. Sutil for one encountering gearbox problems and was forced to retire on lap 13, but on the bright side it was right next to the pits so he didnt have far to walk. Fisichella though wasn’t exactly flavour of the month, repeatedly getting in the way of the lead drivers when being lapped won’t do his reputation in the paddock that much good, and so had to resign himself to finishing plum last. But Force India’s weekend wasn’t a total loss, talks between Vijay Mallya and Mclaren-Mercedes could lead to a potential customer car package that may see the Indian team achieving great things. That of course would mean Williams not taking legal action against them and sending them to court.

 

Not that particularly eventful a race but with Kubica out of the running it’s a straight two-way fight between Mass and Hamilton for the title, Hamilton only has to finish 5th or higher but Mclaren may tune Kovalianen’s engine up to try for a Mclaren 1-2 to seal the constructors title.

 

Thankyou, and I shall see you next week.

Horoscopes.

To be perfectly honest I’m bored of ye old film reviews. Takes all the fun out of watching them

So…for your daily randomness boost. Have your horoscope, curtsey of Boop enterprises

Capricon:Ohh you horny little goat you! Saturns big ol’ nose is in your relationships this week, so make sure you keep secrets to yourself or you may find yourself making enemies. A clever Libra is eyeing you over, take things slow and make sure you know what your getting yourself into. You never know what they have in store for you…

Aries:Cheer up you miserable bugger! It’s been a long week, so relax and take your mind off things with a long bath. Suprisingly, be it teachers or collegues not everyone is out to get you. Though saying this, watch out for PMS suffering Gemini’s… those bitches WILL have you spit roasting on an open fire if you don’t pay them enough attention.

Libra:You’ll find love in a red-shoed Aquarius. Don’t pluck your eyebrows today, Venus is out of place and knowing your bad aim you will pluck out your cornea’s…Nows the time to take that trip. Put everything on hold and start the car, for you’ll have the best time in a car full of cheap vodka, crackers and your best friends.

Saggittarius: Your crying out for attention and yet still no one is answering. My advice? Give up. Men/Woman just find you too much to handle right now, so don’t blame that big arse or overhang and screw the diet. The internet is a readily available source for porn or mail order brides/grooms if things really do get too much to take…

Taurus:For goodness sake stop day dreaming! Demon pigeons from Pluto arn’t going to cause you trouble this week, though an envious friend may stitch you up well and proper.Keep your shoes tied, for a casually dressed cancerian will give new meaning to the phrase “Falling at their feet”…

Piscies: Your friends are planning something, so be on your toes. Don’t let that guard of yours down, a new relationship is coming your way and you’ll need all your wit and charm to crack this one. Whether it be a new aquintance or a potential partner, treat him/her with care. They may come with baggage…

Scorpio:As usual you looking amazing, but don’t get big headed, an ego is the biggest turn off you can get. Though your more likely to be blown off by a certain pissed off Taurus. They don’t call them bulls for no reason so keep smart and maybe you’ll avoid the whole bone up arse thing…

Cancer:Keep the pot smoking down this week. The police are more vigilent due to a snappy Aquarius, and won’t ignore the endless stream of smoke flowing from your bedroom window anymore. Go cold turkey in more ways than one until the coast is clear. Look on the bright side, now you have more time to spend with that special Virgo.

Leo: Its time for some sun sand and sea so pack your bucket and spade and head off to the sun. Leave blackpool out this year, the trannies and “originals” are out in throngs and unless you want a head full of pink lice you’ll do best to steer clear…

Aquarius: Holy crap! Calm downnnnn. The world isn’t caving in cause’ of problems at home. Just get out of the house, preferably get drunk and have sex with the nearest lampost. If all else fails rely on your closest friend, no doubt they have strippers on speed dial and all the boys/girls on hand…

Gemini:  Your feeling deflated this week so take some time off and visit the farm. The quiet atmosphere and smell of cow shit will surely stir up some memories. Remember to bring a picnic, the farm hands may be hungry, but they’re also very tasty indeed. So unless your not fond of rolicking amoungst the hay, prepare yourself for a steamy no commitment weekend…

Virgo: No matter what that know all of a friend says, chopped pineapple does nothing for hives. So lay off the spikyness before you give yourself a rash. Your more likely to find results in a visit to your local Gynacologist, so book quickly and lay off the naughtyness for the week if you don’t want an unexpected suprise at the end…

 

Sorry…got bored at the end lol…. they are all mainly piss takes. xxx

Dex on life – Internet Retards

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It’s a Monday and It’s time to write my post for this infernal webzine, I know I haven’t been posting since my first one and now would normally be the time to make excuses but in all honesty I either forgot or have been too busy to bother. Live with it.

I did have a post lined up about how my health and safety has been annoying me but alas I can’t be bothered because quite frankly nobody cares all health and safety execs or hns wankers get paid too much and make up stupid little rules there we go simple as that. Instead I shall blog not about the credit crunch, masturbating teenage girls or in fact how long I have been waiting for my mini, but the more pressing issue of retards being able to access the internet and what they use it for.

“OMGZ LYK YOUR SOO CEWL MAN!”

I decided to return to youtube the other day thinking this is a brilliant idea, I will watch something that will entertain me alas I find a monkey scratching its arse, my first reaction is to laugh because it is hilarious that some ejit has sat there recording a monkey with and itch in its rectum, then upon closer inspection I find a comment below the video stating. “WOW I LYK DIDN’T NO MOnKeys Could sctrah the arses!, That’s lyk hewt” I couldn’t resist responding to that comment with, “I wonder if you can because clearly the monkey has more intelligence than you” Maybe that was harsh maybe that was rude but I mean they don’t even understand what capitals are for let alone the worrying fact they think monkeys sticking fingers up their arse is sexy, it isn’t in the slightest, it’s not even funny to watch it’s just like watching a old man sticking his finger in his arse then eating the “chocolate” off the end of his finger, FUCK OFF!

Youtube is really bad to find what you want if you type funny into the search you will get a load of pre-teens jumping off curbs and falling over, surely the system needs to be checked, I do not find
this funny in the slightest if I wanted funny I would have to type, “teenage girl being caught masturbating by parents” damn there goes the no masturbation comment gone. Seriously the only people that find these kinds of videos funny are the pre-teens that make them and their peers, the monkeys.

Another thing that annoys me is what people search on the internet, my personal blog is often sought after by the strangest searches such as “Dex playing with himself” the answer is no! I don’t because of personal reasons and even if I did I wouldn’t tell the world would I? Actually I might just to see how many people it scars but then my blog would be removed because it would be deemed rude. SO they can control writing but not videos? Why not? Can they not watch them at youtube headquarters? Retards.

Talking of retards has anyone ever been on social networking sites recently and been spammed with friend requests from Ivana Fukalot and her friends? Go have a look at their profiles they are blatantly porn stars with the style of a drowned rat. Also social networking have these thing called groups some are brilliant and hilarious a good way to meet new people and genuinely interesting but once the pre-teens get hold of them we get “bebos hottest”, “msn addys” and of course the most common “Sexy people” all of these consist of egotistical whores and arseholes who like to do nothing more than stare at themselves on a computer screen and pretend to have friends by masturbating each other with comments and applications. Facebook is the worst for applications, I have none on my page they annoy me more than life, seriously they do but more of that some other time.

Game Review #3 – The Force Unleashed

Right well after my delay of two weeks (which I apologise for) I am back and with a new review. And I’m back with Force Powers to blow you all away. Anyway bad puns aside; this week I am reviewing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Now we all know that Lucasarts still thinks that if you keep flogging a dead horse it will come back to life, but we all know that this is far from the truth. In fact Lucasarts has milked Star Wars for all the money its worth, and just when the fans are starting to think that no more good can come from this series, here comes a new hope.

          Now when I first saw the trailer for this game I was pretty blown away, but CGI trickery is something that we reviews must be careful of. Trailers are one thing yes, but the game itself is what matters. Now let me explain the simplicity of this game. You play as Starkiller, the young apprentice of Darth Vader who is assisting in the eradication of the last of the Jedi. Although there are a few more details, a romance and two separate endings the storyline itself is not really what draws people to this game. Although don’t get me wrong, I like the cannon ending, it does actually connect Episode III to IV.

          Anyway, and now the gameplay. To start this off I am going to quote from Lucasarts themselves, they’re mission statement was to create a game where you ‘blow shit up with the force.’ This is partly achievable in the game, you can use all of the traditional force powers such as Push, Lightning and Lightsaber Throw. But the physics of these have been taken and ramped up. Force Unleashed utilises the game system ‘Ronin’ which integrates the physics engines Havok, euphoria, and Digital Molecular Matter, which all allows for more realistic gameplay. These engines provide enemies with advanced AI, realistic physics effects and cinema quality graphics and lighting.

This all makes for amazingly realistic gameplay let me give you an example. You pick up a stormtrooper with the force and he grabs hold of a railing automatically. He holds on as long as long as he can before you give him a force push, he goes flying back and flies through the star ship window. The window shatters realistically and all of the nearby enemies and objects are sucked out into deep space before the air lock barrier closes. How good is that!? I have to admit that this game is unbelievably fun with an almost infinite different ways of attacking and destroying your enemies.

But of course their must be some bad points about it. To start off with the gameplay is good but sometimes the engines clash and you can get quite frustrating glitches. Oh and the boss fights. I’ve never played such frustrating boss fights, the AI is extremely hard and the camera angle works it very best to make sure you fail. Many people do not like the quick time events at the end of the fights but I gladly watch them because it means the fight is over. Also for having to endings you would expect you to have some decisions along the way, but no it is a last minute decision at the end: Good or Bad? And finally, its too short. It is fun, and it has replayability but its just not long enough, especially with the fact that you play most of the levels twice rather than having new levels.

Bad points aside, I love this game. It fulfils its mission statement and you have fun with it. And I would advise you to go out and by this game, and you have no excuse not to get it. It’s on all of the modern platforms. As much as I love this game though, it’s no Jedi Knight though! Bring back Katarn Lucasarts!!

 

The latest addition to Britain’s roads…

That’s right, I am finally able to join the ranks of the driving public and hopefully soon I can start writing road tests for out valued readers on this site, good evening to you all.

I’ll confess something, as true as it is that I passed my test it was my second attempt but I won’t go into why I failed my first attempt. But instead I’ll talk to you about I had a little musde after my test which is fairly related to that.

I noticed quite profoundly that aside from the nerves of taking the actual test the examiner marking your driving as a person can equally affect how your test may go as much as your driving skill. In my first test the examiner I had was rather like a strict schoolteacher, he would be very definite about his wording and was almost on the verge on angry, not that I like to speak ill of other people. The second examiner I had, being a former driving instructor, noticed my nerves and began talking to me casually and it calmed me down to the effect that I could concentrate on my test and even feel like it was going well.

Anyway that was my little muse and now a quick round-up of summaries from the world of motorsport:

Canadian GP dropped from the F1 calendar-A great loss of a great GP, despite it’s aparant track surface problems it just makes it more of a challenge and opens up more overtaking opportunities along the back straight, however it seems they’re not good at exiting that corner in such a slippery state.

A1 Team GB amongst teams unable to race at opening round-Slightly annoyed at that as Ferrari are responsible for delivery of chassis to all the teams in the grid so bit peeved that GB was one of the teams that didn’t get their chassis delivered in time, by pure coincidence Italy did.

Well anyway that’s all I have to say at the moment, and a quick apology for not getting this done on Wednesday as I should have, just had an early night as my test was early this morning.

See you next week.